Wrong side of the bed - the proof

 I really love the Internet, don’t you? I thought so. God we are so alike. We are becoming quite close aren't we. Like two pees in a pod. Next I will be calling you dude or lovey.

One of the purposes of this Blog is to write about interesting things and see what the wider web world has to say on the subject. A simple search on most topics will provide at least something of interest. It may not be factual, possible or true but dag nab it you can find some funny stuff out there.

Here is an example. This morning I am feeling tired and unmotivated because I only got 5 hours sleep last night. The thought of having to come up with something to write about made me want to just crawl under my desk and go 'in utero'. I then remembered that I wrote down some possible subjects to write in a kind of rainy day file. One that particularly struck me this morning was the entry - 'Getting out of the wrong side of the bed. Is this testable?'

Perfect! They say you should write about what you know. It got me thinking whether anybody else has thought about this. Surely there is some evidence out there that getting out of the wrong side of the bed can ruin your day.

Well I was wrong, and yet…….

I found this blog called The Smartest Man Online. In a boldly titled post 'Explanation : Wrong Side of the Bed' he notes that there are four cycles of REM (WARNING: from this point on I offer you my own interpretation) in which it is akin to a football match in that the game must only conclude at the end of the fourth quarter. To interrupt this cycle is to break the rules.

You see the sleeping individual requires a cycle of shallow sleep in order for the body to be fully charged. Actually its more like a phone charger isn't it. If you don’t complete the charging cycle you get much less workable use from the phone later in the day. This is all good and I understand the logic. But it does'nt explain anything pertaining to the side of the bed you get out of. He has merely argued that its no fun being woken up early. Well duh!

Time to move on. Thankfully my return to Google provided me some more valuable information. Over at The Divine Caroline we finally get some solid proof. She reports that the Premier Hotel Chain commissioned a study to answer this very question. Bless their cotton sheets. The study concluded that it was in fact the LEFT side that ensured us the perfect start to the day. Read a little further and you discover that it was a dazzling combination of psychology and feng shui that lead to this conclusion. You see the left side of the brain is your rational and logical hemisphere while the filthy right side is all juiced up on emotions and imagination. So the logical (and clearly scientific) conclusion is that you should roll out of the bed on the left side and this will chemically switch on the good side of your brain. The actual detail or proof for all this is very dry stuff so lets just agree to agree shall we? As for the feng shui, well apparently Left is much better. Ok, cool. Yay for left.

But here is something I pondered. And reading further I see The Divine Caroline also did. If the left hemisphere looks after the right side of the body and vice versa, shouldn’t you be rolling out the right side if you are using your left hemisphere? The overall theory I'm sure we can all agree is perfectly sound, but this missed detail is just alarming. I am left even more confused and distressed than when I first read it. I need a nap but im too scared to get in the wrong side too.

Its seems clear that there is only one course of action left to us. From this day on I intend on getting in and out from the end of the bed, and thus ensuring a karmically balanced start to the morning. Rather than being too logical, or too emotional, I will be centred and at one with the universe.

And God save the souls of those with a bed like this. For truly theirs is a bleak and uncertain future.