Last week I finally had the opportunity to go see one of my favourite songwriters, Mark Kozelek. He now records under the name Sun Kil Moon.
It was a paired down tour with only Mark (Kozelek, not this blogs Mark) and an accompanist also on guitar.
Now this is not going to be a review on the show, I will leave that to the music blogs out there. Instead I want to talk about the sad life of the troubadour.
Years back I attended a music college to study classical guitar. It was not something I was passionate about at all. Rather my parents decided that if I was going to choose music as a career I should do something reputable. This coming from two people who trod the Melbourne pub scene for years. I guess they didn't want me to end up working my backside off for so little gain. It is after all a very difficult life.
Suffice to say I did not last long there. For me it was about songwriting rather than becoming a great musician. I guess this is something they just didn't get. Neither of my parents were big songwriters and the band played mostly covers.
But the thing was I was not a natural performer either. In fact I had terrible stage fright, and still do although I have found ways of dealing with it.
And it is this capacity to cope that brings me to the point of this post. There have been a number of occasions in which I have gone to a gig knowing in advance that the performer is extremely shy. It was interesting then to see how they cope with this on stage. Would it effect their performance or would it be the one place in the world they felt comfortable. I have seen examples of both. But what about all the hours preceding the nights gig? How does a shy person manage the endless touring, interviews and fans?
In the case of Mark Kozelek, it was clear that he was not coping at all with his public.
On the second night (yes I am a freak and went twice) I waited around after the show to see if I could get to meet this fascinating songwriter and maybe get a CD signed. It was with great regret that I got my wish. A mere 5 minutes after the encore, with the crowd now thinned, Mark came wandering out. My sister and I wandered over to wait nearby as Mark signed someone's CD. He then turned to us and it was then that my heart just sank. Whatever he took backstage had worked very quickly. Far from the gregarious funny performer we saw on stage; we had before us a confused, shy and paranoid man who could barely see through his sunken eyelids.
The conversation was quipped, confused and teeth grindingly uncomfortable. Frankly I have done everything I can to forget the incident so I don't lose that feeling I get listening to his music.
Why do these people do what appears so uncomfortable to them? Why make a career that demands from then what they cannot deliver? Here is what Kozelek said in a recent interview about meeting his public-
"You find yourself acting strange. Sometimes when I’m on stage and I start rambling about my personal life or spilling my guts to some weird fan that’s gonna post what you said online in half an hour… it’s a weird world, a whole different thing. Being in that world where people are obsessed with you is strange, idiosyncratic and exclusive."
And perhaps even more telling, this quote -
"Sometimes, even though you’re out there playing for 500 or 1000 people, so for two hours you sort of have the world in your hands, but in a second those people are out the door, on trains. And I’m backstage with the club guy, who really just wants you to get the fuck out of there because he has to do the same thing tomorrow night, and all of a sudden you’re in a cab and in a hotel room, jet lagged, fucking lonely as hell, and you can’t call anyone ‘cause it’s fucking expensive and it’s some weird hour somewhere else."
Its a tough industry. And from what I have heard from some inside sources it appears drugs are offered to these guys regularly, even by the record companies themselves. I think even the most together artist must give in at some stage. Travelling so much of the year it is hard to keep yourself grounded. Perhaps this is what my parents saw for my future and hoped for something better.
Have you heard any stories of artists who have just not coped with touring? Send us your comments.
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5 comments:
A fascinating and insightful read.....you just feel sooo sorry for these musicians as they appear to have so little support of loved ones while on the road. It is like a double edged sword as they enjoy sharing their music but can't cope with being in the spotlight. Other than having a loving chaperon what can you do?
Fascinating post.
Perhaps being on stage is actually easier for some than interacting with people the old fashioned way.
As some of us noted at drama school, it's quite a myth that all actors are outgoing and unshy. Even though others might be watching your performance, the stage is quite a lonely place... pleasantly lonely sometimes.
The review/account was really something.
I'm going to see mark kozelek in July here in the UK. I hope i don't have a similar experience to you. Though i guess it brings the realism of what musician life is like, back home.
As far as I know, Mark Kozelek has been off drugs since he was a teenager. He's kind of a socially awkward guy.
In my opinion, Mark is someone who loves music so much that he is willing, sometimes reluctantly so, to put up with the collateral responsibilites he finds repugnant because he knows it's critical to his survival in the industry.
It is well-known that he is shy and a bit socially awkward. You can't hold that against him - can you? He is a writer and musician first and a publicity [guy] only be necessity.
I believe that it is important to realise that we all have flaws, and we need to be a little forgiving. The fact that Mark fought every natural impulse to meet with fans after a show to sign cds should be appreciated. In reality, he could have snuck out the backdoor and been no worse off for it.
As some other poster responded - Mark has been sober for quite a few years. I doubt he was given anything or taking anything backstage.
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